i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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