If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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