and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
