I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I looked at my own cervix.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
