i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
