that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
