My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
