I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
