we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i believe in u and ur pee
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