I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
