I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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