Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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