i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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