He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
