Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
