What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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