Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
