My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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