Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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