Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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