I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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