Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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