i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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