how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
And then he peed in my hair
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