my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
