I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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