4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
