We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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