i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
