He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
