It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
