I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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