She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
