i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
