i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
