Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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