Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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