I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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