I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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