I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
