So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
