Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
