a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
