I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
