i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
