Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
