I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My cat gives me a boner
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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