omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
