I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
