i'm signing you up for texting rehab
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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